• Observation
• Trial and error
• Education

To get started, I’m going to educate you. Following the Nike mantra of ‘Just do it’ doesn’t hurt to get you started.

To positively anticipate an encounter that has not been pleasant in the past is a real success skill. It can be learned if you just stay CALM. We'll even spell it out for you.

Control yourself
Act positively
Let them speak first
Make your response

For all those times when someone intensified your anger by using these words, you now have a way to turn down the flame.

Control the anticipation to stop your mind from becoming filled with images and the negative feelings of past experiences. Redirect your emotions that in turn heighten the negative anticipation. To interrupt this out-of-control spiral, we must have a mental switch to trigger awareness.

I have two suggestions for mental switches.

Women, think hard about lowering your voice, or at least keeping it level. As we get irritated, the tone of our voice tends to raise which presents an emotional image. In the workplace this can substantially lower your credibility.

Men, do something physical as your mental switch. No, this does not mean to strangle or punch out your opponent. Instead, put your hand over your mouth, or in you pocket, or put your hands together in front of you. Whatever mental switch you choose, use the same one each time as your trigger. This movement will force you to begin the control process. Once the control process has begun, lead your perceived challenger into a civil encounter not a critical encounter.

Act positively. When confronted with calm demeanor, out-of-control behavior will change. The key to successfully achieving this step is to recognize what triggers your negative response and positively interrupt the emotional response.

So, what’s your trigger?

Is it the history you have with this person ... their tone of voice ... their choice of words?

Learning a positive reaction will interrupt the negative cycle of conflict that fuels your emotional response. What is a positive response?

Staying in control. Choosing the right words.

How can we learn to react that way? Follow these three steps.

• Observation
• Trial and error
• Education

Step 1.
Observe others successfully handling conflict and absorb their techniques.

Step 2.
Educate yourself on how they stay in control. Learn the advantages of acting positively. Ask yourself -

• Will it help your business and family relationships?
• Will it help your credibility?
• Will it help your career?

Step 3.
Your awareness level is now heightened so go out and apply what you have seen and learned.

Let them speak first. This is a strategic step that can save your reputation.

Why would keeping your mouth shut and letting the other person speak be so strategic?

After the other person has shared their issues (and blown off some steam), who has the complete story? You do! You can now adjust your emotional response or your solution to match the issue. We often put our solution or recommendation on the tablein an emotional manner before hearing the complete issue. The other advantage to letting them speak first is to give them (and you) a chance to get control of their emotions.

Our biggest challenge is not to let a heightened level of emotions determine the tone.

Make your response. After listening to the whole issue and staying focused on the facts the first thing out of your mouth should be a recap of what was said. This will buy you a few extra seconds to compile a solution or a response. To appear in control, use the same into phrase to set YOUR tone.

For instance,

• “Let me recap ….”
• “Let me make sure I understand …”
• “What I heard you say …”

Practice and visualize using “your” phrase to get the body language and tone just right to project the non-threatening manner that you want.

Do not expect success to be immediate. You are trying to change knee-jerk reactions that have taken a lifetime to create and you have been practicing them for years. The good news is that it will not take you the same number of years to break the negative response habit. Authorities say it takes 21 days to make or break a habit. Let’s hope that you don’t have to practice conflict management for 21 days straight.

Give yourself three months of using CALM as a focused goal. Make a note each time you are challenged and how you react. Be sure to congratulate yourself for being successful. Others will.

I have three personal questions for you.

• Do you let others control your responses?
• If you could control others response to you, would that help control the conflict in your life?
• How can you control others if you can not control yourself?

Take Action NOW.

• Pick a person in your life that triggers a knee-jerk reaction.

Name ___________________________________

• Pick the mental switch you will use to turn on your control.

Switch ____________________________________

• Pick the positive reaction you will show. (body language, tone of voice, frame of mind)

Positive reaction ____________________________

__________________________________________

• Pick your phrase for a verbal response opener.

Response __________________________________

__________________________________________

• Visualize yourself handling the next encounter with control.
• Make a note about your success.

Date: _____________ Time: ___________

Person: ____________________________________

Topic: _____________________________________

Steps completed: ____________________________